Anamika did not look up from her laptop as Nidhi walked in. But she smiled and waved hello. “Nidhi, my sweetheart, give me 5 minutes to finish looking at these numbers, and I’ll be with you. Please tell me you don’t mind waiting?”
Nidhi sat on the chair right opposite Anamika’s desk, and sighed. “What else is new? No, I don’t mind waiting, I have this gorgeous view of your beautiful face, and when I get tired of looking at that — not that it is likely — I’ll catch up on my email. Take your five minutes.”
Anamika smiled absently, and pushed her glasses up her nose. She had gone back into her screen, and seemed totally unaware of Nidhi now. As Nidhi looked at her, she wondered if this woman truly did not know how attractive she was. Flawless skin, sharp diamond-studded nose, thick brown hair tucked behind the ears, and those large soulful eyes. It was mainly the eyes. They made you feel like this was a gentle, kind person who was incapable of a crooked thought. I bet she has crooked thoughts with her morning coffee, Nidhi thought. I wonder if that’s the reason I’m so attracted to her, the sheer contrast between how angelic she looks and how Machiavellian she is. Or is it her life story that tugs at my heartstrings? All those mad ups and downs. Born in a community where girls get killed at birth, getting married at 16, making it to nursing college, escaping the abusive marriage to go study in Boston, and now leading the second largest practice in the second largest consulting company in the world. Anamika was certainly very aware (and proud) of her success, but Nidhi believed she truly was unaware of her beauty. It probably came from growing up in a world where dark equals ugly. She often said she was only pretending to be all grown up and cosmopolitan, inside she was a small-town girl, constantly overwhelmed by the big city. It was probably true. And which is why I can never tell you I love you, Nidhi said in her head. If you knew how I feel, your Udaipur instincts and opinions would kick in, and your embarrassment would kill our friendship.
Nidhi’s thoughts were interrupted as Anamika stood up and stretched. “Done! It seems too good to be true, but it looks like we made more revenue than Infrastructure this quarter!” Anamika looked like someone had switched on floodlights inside her. She’ll never know what a source of joy and pain her face is for me, Nidhi thought as her heart lurched again.
“Congratulations! You guys have totally earned it. I thank my stars I don’t work in your team. No way I could manage this level of intensity!”
“Thank you, I guess? I agree, we did earn it. I’ll take the team out for a celebration dinner tomorrow. And so sorry I made you wait. Tell me!”
“I came to ask if I could ride home with you. My car is at the repair shop. I can wait a bit longer if you need work some more. But it’s 9 PM and we’re the last people in office. So no one’s around to notice that the healthcare director works harder than her team.”
Anamika looked at her watch in mock horror and shut her laptop with a dramatic flourish. “I had no idea it was that late! What a blessing that you live in the same building as me, and that your car isn’t available. Let’s go home. Do you want to grab takeaway on the way? The usual?”
“Absolutely! I’ll call them as soon as we start driving.”
They were silent as Anamika navigated her way through the business district traffic. Twenty minutes later, they exited into the wide, empty road that would take them home, and they both sighed deeply, together, and then laughed. Nidhi said — “I know how you feel. People keep saying I should move closer to office, but this 40-minute drive is one of the highlights of my day.”
Anamika nodded. “Mine too. I love it how clear this road always is. Driving here is almost my daily meditation. I sometimes do a sort of life accounting — what did I lose today, what did I win. And mostly it’s a net win of a day, so it’s the best kind of accounting.”
“Mostly?”
“Well, yeah”. Anamika shrugged. “I do trade emotional needs for power, and that’s sometimes sad. But most days, it’s a trade-off I’m okay with.”
“Trading emotional needs for power.” Nidhi repeated. “Wow, that’s incredibly self-aware. People at Kane would never believe the dragon has emotional needs. I can sometimes see your two personalities separately though. You know what I’ve always thought? That there is a secret, tragic love in your life. Everyone knows the tragedies that you’ve left behind, but I think that there’s some pain you carry around every day.”
Anamika was quiet. Nidhi kicked herself for verbalising her thoughts. She was probably projecting. She said, “Anamika, I’m so sorry. I clearly overstepped your boundaries. I’ll hate myself if we stop being friends because of my big mouth. Please forgive me, I promise you I’ll never get this personal again. It’s my overactive imagination. I’m imagining this secret sadness.”
“Please don’t apologise. You’re my best friend, you know that. You’re probably my only real friend. We should be able to get personal with each other. I was quiet because I was so surprised at how perceptive you are, and I was wondering if everyone can see through me like that? But it’s unlikely, you’re a bit of a weirdo, you notice a lot of things regular people miss. You’re not imagining it. But I’m not ready to be vulnerable like that. I want to continue being one of the Kane dragons. It has taken a lot for me acquire the power I have and that is the most important thing for me right now.”
They were quiet for a few minutes, each lost in her thoughts. Anamika stopped the car in front of their favourite kebab takeaway, and Nidhi got out. “Hey Nidhi! Please ask them to pack some extra chutney for me!” Anamika rolled the window down and shouted.
Nidhi was relieved that Anamika seemed to have accepted her apology, but she felt like something had changed in their friendship, and it made her sad. She got back into the car, dumped the boxes on the back seat and searched her friend’s face for clues. Anamika spoke as she started driving again. “I’m not mad at you, I swear. Your friendship means a lot to me, and you know what, I’m glad you know about my secret and unrequited love. It feels nice to be able to speak the truth to your best friend. Nidhi, I care about someone and I can’t tell them. Sheesh, it felt good to say that out loud!”
Nidhi smiled. “Thank you for reassuring me that you’re not mad. Do you want to talk about it?”
“What, my secret tragedy? Well, as much as I like the idea of not lying to you anymore, I don’t feel brave enough to confess the whole story.”
“That’s fair. You can tell me whatever you like. Or not. Do you want to tell me why it has to be a secret? Is he with someone else? Is he gay? And what it feels like — having this grand unrequited passion?
“Yes, that’s it— he’s not available. There are reasons. And he’s a dear friend. So I don’t want to tell him and make it awkward and lose the friendship, that’s why it has to stay a secret. What does it feel like? It’s a bit like the ache you get in your ankles and knees when you’ve finished 35 kilometers and still have seven kilometers to the finish line. It’s not debilitating — you won’t stop running — but it’s just there, and you are always aware of it. The pain is the price you pay to experience the joy of the run. It’s a pain you get used to.”
“I don’t run marathons, but I sort of get your metaphor.” Nidhi laughed.
Anamika continued. “It doesn’t even feel like a tragedy. It’s proof that my heart is still capable of love. I do get minor panic attacks that — um, you know — he will find out, and we’ll stop being friends? But I keep hoping it won’t happen. Other than that, it’s mostly a source of happiness. I look forward to spending time with him, I flirt with him, call him my sweetheart. We have long conversations over drinks and dinner sometimes. When we make plans to catch up, it makes my entire week exciting as I look forward to that “date”. I’m not lying, Nidhi, I’m happy.”
“It sounds totally cracked to me. But whatever. I think life is too short to pine for anything, but if you like pining, please pine. Whenever you’re ready to take more action, you need someone to help you build courage to tell him, I’ll help. I’m here for you. You know that.”
Anamika smiled. “I do know that, and thank you. Alrighty, here we are. I’m so looking forward to my evening. Pyjamas, couch, beer, Downton Abbey and Karim’s kebabs. The ingredients of joy. I cannot wait to switch my phone off and plonk my ass on that couch.”
Nidhi wondered if this was a gentle snub or if she was being oversensitive. When they had shared the ride last week, Nidhi had invited Anamika to her flat so that they could unwind and watch their favourite show together. The week before that, Anamika had invited Nidhi to hers, and they had spent hours talking and drinking. Clearly it wasn’t going to be that kind of evening.
As they got into the elevator, Anamika turned to her and said. “Thank you for listening. I feel like this was an important milestone in our friendship, no?” Nidhi decided to not overthink it, there was probably no snub here. She smiled and said, “I agree.”
Anamika opened her arms out for a hug when the lift stopped at her floor. They hugged, and she stepped out. “Goodnight, darling. I’ll leave for work at 8 tomorrow, call me if you want to ride together?”
Nidhi waved. “I will!”
The elevator doors closed. Anamika realised her knees were shaking as she walked to her door. That was so close, she thought. I nearly forgot to replace “she” with “he” a couple of times while I was talking! It’s almost as if I wanted to spoil everything and tell her the truth. Especially when we hugged just now. It was so difficult to let go, to not invite her in. I wanted to say it so badly. It’s you I’m crazy about, Nidhi. It’s you I’m afraid of losing.
